Must be shared

This is hilarious! I was in tears... Chili Cook-Off
If you can read this whole story without laughing, then there's no hope for you. I was crying by the end.
Note: Please take time to read this slowly. If you pay attention to the first two judges, the reaction of the third judge is even better.
For those of you who have lived in Texas , you know how true this is.They actually have a Chili Cook-off about the time Halloween comes around. It takes up a major portion of a parking lot at the San Antonio City Park.
Judge #3 was an inexperienced Chili taster named Frank, who was visiting from Springfield , IL .
Frank: "Recently, I was honored to be selected as a judge at a chili cook-off. The original person called in sick at the last moment and I happened to be standing there at the judge's table, asking for directions to the Coors Light truck, when the call came in. I was assured by the other two judges (Native Texans) that the chili wouldn't be all that spicy; and, besides, they told me I could have free beer during the tasting, so I accepted and became Judge 3."
Here are the scorecard notes from the event:

CHILI # 1 - MIKE'S MANIAC MONSTER CHILI
Judge # 1 -- A little too heavy on the tomato. Amusing kick.
Judge # 2 -- Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.
Judge # 3 (Frank) -- Holy crap, what the hell is this stuff? You could remove dried paint from your driveway. Took me two beers to put the flames out. I hope that's the worst one. These Texans are crazy.

CHILI # 2 - AUSTIN 'S AFTERBURNER CHILI
Judge # 1 -- Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight jalapeno tang.
Judge # 2 -- Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken seriously.
Judge # 3 -- Keep this out of the reach of children. I'm not sure what I'm supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver. They had to rush in more beer when they saw the look on my face.

CHILI # 3 - FRED'S FAMOUS BURN DOWN THE BARN CHILI
Judge # 1 -- Excellent firehouse chili. Great kick.
Judge # 2 -- A bit salty, good use of peppers.
Judge # 3 -- Call the EPA. I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels like I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now. Get me more beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the back, now my backbone is in the front part of my chest. I'm getting shit-faced from all of the beer.

CHILI # 4 - BUBBA'S BLACK MAGIC
Judge # 1 -- Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing.
Judge # 2 -- Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or other mild foods, not much of a chili.
Judge # 3 -- I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to taste it. Is it possible to burn out taste buds? Sally, the beer maid, was standing behind me with fresh refills. This 300 lb. woman is starting to look HOT .. just like this nuclear waste I'm eating! Is chili an aphrodisiac?

CHILI # 5 - LISA'S LEGAL LIP REMOVER
Judge # 1 -- Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground, adding considerable kick. Very impressive.
Judge # 2 -- Chili using shredded beef, could use more tomato. Must admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.
Judge # 3 -- My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead and I can no longer focus my eyes. I farted , and four people behind me needed paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her chili had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring beer directly on it from the pitcher. I wonder if I'm burning my lips off. It really ticks me off that the other judges asked me to stop screaming. Screw them.

CHILI # 6 - VERA'S VERY VEGETARIAN VARIETY
Judge # 1 -- Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of spices and peppers.
Judge # 2 -- The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, garlic. Superb.
Judge # 3 -- My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous, sulfuric flames. I crapped on myself when I farted , and I'm worried it will eat through the chair. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except that Sally. Can't feel my lips anymore. I need to wipe my butt with a snow cone.

CHILI # 7 - SUSAN'S SCREAMING SENSATION CHILI
Judge # 1 -- A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers.
Judge # 2 -- Ho hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of chili peppers at the last moment.**I should take note that I am worried about Judge # 3. He appears to be in a bit of distress as he is cursing uncontrollably.
Judge # 3 -- You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I wouldn't feel a thing. I've lost sight in one eye, and the world sounds like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with chili, which slid unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava to match my shirt. At least during the autopsy, they'll know what killed me. I've decided to stop breathing it's too painful. Screw it; I'm not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I'll just suck it in through the 4-inch hole in my stomach.

CHILI # 8 - BIG TOM'S TOENAIL CURLING CHILI
Judge # 1 -- The perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili. Not too bold but spicy enough to declare its existence.
Judge # 2 -- This final entry is a good, balanced chili. Neither mild nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge #3 farted, passed out, fell over and pulled the chili pot down on top of himself. Not sure if he's going to make it. Poor feller, wonder how he'd have reacted to really hot chili?
Judge # 3 - No Report

Vocab Lesson

Andrew actually helped me tidy up the living room yesterday. He knocked over a Lincoln Log creation in the process. "Oh man! That was camelflaged!"

Giving Feels Good

The click to give/donate links on my blog are for real. There are also really cool things to buy if you are in the market for really cool things to buy either for yourself or a worthy friend.
It's the weekend. Finally.

Dear Universe

This worked for the author of a book I just read, so I have faith (hope) this will work for me also.
If anyone is actually reading this - which I doubt - and you are not in a woe is me mood, then thanks for stopping by and move along to the next blog.
Dear Universe,
Why do you have it out for me? I'm a good person. I moved my son away from the hideousness of the "I'm entitled to everything" of Southern California to wonderful small town New England. This whole "it takes a village" is a fantastic thing. It works. Andrew is flourishing. I found a full time job. I also take on side programming jobs to make ends meet. I have not taken a vacation or even a weekend trip in over a year. I've started drinking more water and less alcohol, eating better, keeping healthier food in the house. A few months ago, I even took in a friend's cat because she couldn't take him where she was moving. My son knows that I love him. I do the best I can at work, and feel I'm doing my best at being a good mom, friend, neighbor, daughter, aunt, (ok, so maybe not the best sister....), that I can be. When my tooth started bothering me, I went to the dentist. Made all the necessary appointments, paid all the necessary co-payments, even went back when the temp crown broke. I'm getting plenty of sleep. When I got sick - the first time - I went to the doc and took all the meds. I do not get sick pay at work, yet I take the time off in an attempt to get healthy. SOOOOO, Universe, why in hell are you making it so damn difficult for me to get and stay healthy? Why are you turning my antique rugs into a litterbox? Why are you making everything so impossible? Knock it off! I've had enough! I'm a good person. Andrew is a good person. He's a great son. I'm a good mom. I have a good job. I'm a good worker. I'm a good friend. Thank you for the friends I have made so far in less than two years here in wonderful New Hampshire. Thank you for the wonderful transition Andrew has made. Thank you for my cozy home. Yes, I am acknowledging and thankful for the good things in my life. NOW! There is no reason for me to be constantly sick. For the cats to act up. For me to have to do everything myself. Some universal assistance would be nice. Help me please! I need to be healthy. I deserve to be healthy. I HAVE to be healthy! Andrew deserves a healthy mom. Andrew & I deserve the best of the best. We've earned it. Universe, please be our friend.
Thank you.
Nancy

They learn so young

This might be due to the overabundance of phlegm ruminating in my head, but on the way to the market this afternoon, Andrew & I were having a football discussion. I thought it ended, when I thought I heard him say "dammit!". Being at a red light, I turned around and said, "what did you just say?" Andrew, "nothing...". Me, "yes you did. You said a bad word. What did you say?" Andrew, "I did NOT say a bad word! I said (almost unnoticable pause) Tampa Bay!"

Manic Monday Migraines

So, if someone has migraines due to "hormonal activity", um, shouldn't the migraines go away once the "hormonal activity" has started? Almost ready to take my 3rd Imitrex. Not good times.....
Tomorrow is Tuesday.

Found It!

Referenced the other day.... Just replace Orthodontist with dentist/endontist......